'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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