I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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