I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
