I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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