I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
