He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize