my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
