I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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