The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
