he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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