we have pet lesbian snakes
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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