I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
