did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
