her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
