Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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