ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
