the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
