Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
