I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
