So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
