i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
