I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
