my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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