He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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