Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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