happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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