Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
