plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
