Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
