I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
