You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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