I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize