What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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