Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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