he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
