i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize