I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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