For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So squirting runs in the family.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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