some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
