I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
