she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
