I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
