You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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