His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
