The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
