im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
