I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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