he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
