I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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