neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
