i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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