We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
