I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
