Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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