I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
