Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
