This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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