I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
