My cat gives me a boner
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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