the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
