Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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