Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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