He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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