i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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