Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
