if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
