Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
