Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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