I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
