My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
