All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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