Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
