i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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